[ Wednesday, May 29, 2002 | 01:22 a.m. ] Hmm... After setting my iMood, I was conveniently provided with a link to a site on suicide. Interesting, considering my earlier conversations this evening. Here are some reasons to live: Because you won’t feel like this forever Because like you do not deserve this pain, the people you will leave behind do not deserve the pain you will leave with them too Because if you die today you will never again feel love for another person, or feel the love they have for you. You will never see the compassion in their eyes and you will never have a chance to share it

[ Wednesday, May 29, 2002 | 01:01 a.m. ] "I think at this moment (7:05 pm) I'm hitting an emotional low. I'm in a good class, a class that I actually like, with interesting guest speakers tonight even. But I feel like my spirit's been broken; worse, I broke it. Warning: you may not want to read further. I feel whiney. And mopey. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. I've got an algebra assignment due tomorrow that I'm only about half done. I've also got a philosophy essay (3-5 pages) due tomorrow. I haven't started it. I haven't even done all the reading on the subject in the coursenotes. Basically, I've screwed himself myself." - written in class, earlier this evening *** So I got back here around nine thirty. Now it's quarter-to one and I still haven't done any work. There is a reasonable explanation for it, though. You see, almost as soon as I got in, Sean called. I talked to him for over an hour. About two minutes after I got off the phone with him, my dad called and we talked for five minutes. Then literally ten seconds after hanging up the phone on my dad (I'd just taken my hand off the handset), my mom called. We talked for thirty or forty-five minutes, taking me to just after eleven thirty. At which point El called and we discussed university and the like for the next hour. Which takes me to now, almost four hours after my class ended, and still no work done. And the Leafs lost, which sucks, though I can't really bring myself to care too much at this point. I'm more concerned with ending my miserable life. (Not to be taken literally... I understand that I have a good life, better than most, and also that depression and the like are serious mental illnesses that we devalue by casually declaring, "Oh, I'm so depressed," all the time, but that doesn't mean that the stresses and problems in my life seem any less major or serious to me.) I crave sleep, and friends, human contact, a hug... Ohh... headache coming on.

[ Tuesday, May 21, 2002 | 04:29 a.m. ] Last week's theme: Work moderately hard, play moderately hard. I eventually got on with that CS assignment. Unfortunately it wasn't really until Tuesday night, after my evening class and the hockey game. *Then* I started working. As expected, it took a while. It's not that the problem itself was tremendously hard, but I had to remember how to do things in Java and fiddle with lots of little details. I think I was mostly sleep-working between four and five a.m. Sleep-working is when you're basically asleep, but you're still working without thinking about it. You don't produce the best stuff. When I was going over my code the next day, I found this whole method I'd written that just duplicated a method already in the Vector class. Luckily the work didn't end at five. After that I got a bit of a second wind, which carried me through the rest of the morning. I took a break at seven, when I went outside to make a phone call. (I get very spotty cell phone reception anywhere inside King.) After staying up all night I tend to get very, very hyper, so I just needed to call someone up--in this case Sean was the unfortunate victim since I knew he was up--and talk non-stop for ten minutes or so. I kept working throughout the morning, between classes. Speaking of classes, I managed to stay awake all through Algebra and Calculus, though there were moments in both when I zoned out, and walking out of MC after each one, I couldn't remember much of what had been said. But that's what notes are for. Anyhow, I got it done, and I think it was mostly right, though my design's a bit inconsistent. Whatever. Wednesday night's PHIL 215 lecture mostly sucked. Well, the lecture itself wasn't so bad, but I hate the "group discussion" period at the end, and I don't like this bullshit participation angle, nor this crap-ass group project thing. There was one highlight. The prof told ChiQui's and my favourite story about George Bernard Shaw--"We've already established what you are, ma'am. Now we're just haggling over the price." Anyhow, I was expecting company on Thursday, so I'd hoped to finish all my work for the week before going to bed that night. Unfortunately, Tuesday's all-nighter had left me feeling a little tired. I turned in early. Despite my early night, I still slept in late Thursday morning. When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I took a much-needed shower, wasting a lot more time than necessary in the process. I hadn't even combed my hair when my man called to say that he was here at UW. Following his arrival, I did no work. I spent the rest of the afternoon--less an hour and a half for my CS lecture--hanging out with him. In the evening I treated him to a gourmet dinner of sweet and sour pork/beef(?) from the V1 caf. It was quite disgusting. Following dinner we went back to my pad to chill some more. Some kids somewhere were watching the hockey game. It was odd: we heard them cheer for the Leafs' first goal, and boo the Canes' goal, but we never heard anything for the second Leafs goal. The rest of the action seemed to centre around homework: a whole gang of Chem Eng's were camped out in the living room working on Chemistry all night. We were slackers; we both got tired and fell asleep really early. Of course, I had a Calculus assignment due Friday at noon that wasn't done, so up I got at five a.m. to work on it. It wasn't too much fun. One thing comforted me, though: I was working out in the kitchen so that the boy could sleep, and I could see light coming out from under two of my suitemates' doors and hear the clickety-clack of keyboards being worked away on. I worked right 'till eight, and finished up when I got back from Algebra. The finished product was somewhat sketchy, mind you. I fully made up answers. For example, in one line I'd conclude that, say, x = a + b, and right after that I'd insist that y = nx --> y = na to make the answer fit something I was trying to prove. I also picked up the sparkling new issue of mathNEWS and was far, *far* more amused by the Jedi Knight song than I should have been. A particularly funny moment came later in the afternoon when we were sitting in my room, listening to the flatmates talking outside. The conversation turned to laundry, then to wearing clothes again without washing them. Jeans are okay, socks are probably not okay, and re-wearing underwear would be really disgusting. You wouldn't want to be "like a Mathie." This had Sean in stitches for the next twenty-four hours, possibly because he'd seen the truth of it first-hand. It occurs to me that you're probably getting terribly bored reading this, so I'll try to pick up the pace a little. I helped my boy find his way back to Lot C; my dad arrived and drove me home shortly afterwards. Dad and I had dinner at Swiss Chalet back in Toronto. (It's nice to be treated like you're someone important.) After dinner I put on a CD and played Solitaire for two hours, until I was ready to go to sleep. Saturday morning I slept in, then went with the boyfriend to see Episode II. I found it thoroughly entertaining, though not exactly brilliant. I don't see what everyone's obsession is with the Yoda fight scene. It did nothing for me. Actually, Yoda just seemed wrong to me throughout the movie. He didn't look quite right, and he didn't talk quite right, in my opinion. Right. After that I went home, made some microwave popcorn and watched Death on the Nile on TVO with mom. Angela Lansbury's character had me literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. See the movie for her alone. Sunday I watched more movies: Sleepless in Seattle on TV with my mom, followed logically by You've Got Mail with Sean. Later we started watching Dune, but we only got about half-way through. At ten thirty mom and I went to see Spider-Man, which held up quite well to a second viewing. It's a fun movie. Mom loved it, just as I predicted. (I deliberately skipped the X-Files finale. As I said before, I didn't want to see it until I saw the third- and second-last episodes, though El tells me I could have watched it anyway. Ah, well.) There was this guy sitting one row behind me at movie who I could have sworn was Snuggles, but I didn't get *that* good a look at him. Today/yesterday/Monday mom bought DVD's. She got A Bug's Life and The Sum of Us The guy who played the dad in The Sum of Us plays Anakin's mom's husband in Episode II. Mom and I went for a drive. I talked to Chris, watched TV, ate soy ice cream, came back to Waterloo, and had dinner at Swiss Chalet. I missed my boy. I somehow pissed away the whole fucking night, seeing as it's now four-fucking-a.m. and I am an absolute idiot. At the moment I'm feeling lonely and moody and depressed. I think it's 'cause I'm tired and cold. I should sleep. I... No, I won't say that. I should sleep. Someone should cure me of my idiocy. I am a fuckhead. You do it to yourself, you do And that's what really hurts Is that you do it to yourself Just you and no one else

[ Tuesday, May 14, 2002 | 12:02 a.m. ] Around nine thirty tonight I was considering going to bed. So I was going to write about it. I opened up Notepad, then decided that I felt like composing my post in another text editor. And so it began. Now it's eleven, and I'm still considering going to bed. (I settled on PICO for Windows, for the time being.) So, where did I leave you again? Oh, yeah, Wednesday night. Thursday and Friday were quite uneventful. They're really my do-nothing days. Friday afternoon I headed back to Toronto, and I was out most of the weekend. I watched Ocean's Eleven and Three Kings. The first was just as good as I expected, and the second was better (than I expected). Yesterday afternoon I dragged Sean to Second Cup/GCB to hang out with ChiQui and Dave. I haven't talked to ChiQ since, so I don't know her verdict. I also missed The X-Files. I have last week's on tape, but I haven't watched it yet. This week's I missed entirely. Well, the whole season will come out on DVD eventually, and I was planning to buy it anyway. Today was kind of a mixed bag, productivity-wise. I did my algebra assignment and some other small things, but I keep on putting off the one thing that I should really be worried about: the CS assignment. It's due on Wednesday and most people have been working on it for, like, a week now. I've barely looked at it. Well, I mean, I've read the specs, but that's about it. I'll do it tomorrow. I got another call for Maytag today on my cell phone. I should really memorise the actual number so I can give it to all the people who call me by accident. (The number for Maytag Metro Service is one digit off from mine.) I also got my phone bill for last month. (I moved in on April 30th, and made one phone call that night. So I have a bill for it.) It came to 16˘ for two minutes of long-distance at 7˘/minute, plus tax. I really should've just used my cell phone. Anyhow, I think I really will go to bed now. I'm not achieving anything by staying up, I seem to have exhausted my capacity for work for the day, and I could really use a good night's sleep. I could really stand to go to sleep before one or two a.m. for once. So that's it. Bed, here I come. P.S. I'm an idea-thief. I teefed the whole quote-at-the-end-of-each-entry thing from Randy. But I miss you most of all, my darling, When autumn leaves start to fall

[ Thursday, May 9, 2002 | 02:02 a.m. ] Oops. Clearly it's possible to get too caught up in writing out the good copy of a calc assignment and really lose track of the time. I was not expecting one a.m. But at least it's done. (Well, all but one little part of a part of a question, which I don't intend on doing anyway.) Basic math is slowly coming back to me, so I hate calculus less. I got out of bed at eight this morning, for an eight thirty class. I've found that by doing things at odd times I can avoid all my suitemates entirely. I showered around ten, after I got back. It's great. I get this place all to myself during the day. Another thing: the later you leave for a class, the better the workout you get power-walking there. In the afternoon I dug out A Perfect Circle for some kinda-hardcore work. Now I'm listening to David Bowie, and not being too hardcore. Oh, I had PHIL 215 tonight and I didn't hate it. I'm not a huge fan, but I don't hate it. There is one thing I'm being very sketchy about: co-op. The first posting went up today, and I haven't even looked at it. I don't even have my résumé package ready yet. I haven't updated my bloody résumé itself. But that's what tomorrow's for. Tomorrow I will get back on top of things. Tonight I will go to bed. I was just going to give you an excerpt from this conversation, but it's so funny that you need the whole thing. Terri: Boo! Nita: TERA TLERhnt! Nita: I'm here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nita: ter rat atherre is a laney and ad ave whgrer Nita: here Nita: (W) Terri: I see. Been drinking? Nita: yo dawg Terri: :-O Nita: uihuhnbuhuh Nita: no Nita: yes Nita: well Nita: a taddles Nita: ter raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terri: :-) You kill me. Nita: yo Nita: yo yo yo Nita: bounce wif me Terri: You realise you will be quoted in my blog. This is just too hilarious. Nita: wwhaaaaaaaa? Nita: lemem see? Nita: pleasss Nita: ;) Nita: ia ams dtooo tierd of this cvonversation Nita: i must go asscdna Terri: That's cool. I should be getting to bed anyhow. Nita: oHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! laney;s sister is in ur proigram Nita: 3td tyear Terri: Really? Neat. Nita: neatO Terri: Yes. Nita: okasdi camd going to hang out siwwith dave now Nita: and laney is a pianskd Nita: punkm Terri: Right, well, have a good night. Nita: LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terri: You too, ChiQat. Nita: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT Nita: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT Nita: mew

[ Wednesday, May 8, 2002 | 02:09 a.m. ] I feel like a slack-ass. Monday: 2 lectures, 2 tutorials --> 3.3 hours total class time Tuesday: 2 lectures --> 3.2 hours Wednesday: 3 lectures, 1 tutorial --> 5.3 hours Thursday: 1 lecture --> 1.3 hours Friday: 2 lectures --> 1.7 hours This is my week. This is my empty week. Sure, all those great big gaps between lectures are easily filled with other work (assignments, reading, co-op stuff) but it still feels like I'm constantly just hanging around here, while my suitemates are constantly in class. I also feel like a slack-ass because I spend a lot of time not working, e.g. surfing the web, talking on the phone, or lying on picnic tables, staring up at the sky. This morning I slept in. I think I finally dragged myself out of bed around ten thirty. Went to my MATH 136 lab, which consisted of receiving a two-page handout and watching some video clips on the computer on how to use Mathcad. Apparently it's not like a lab with activities, it's just a time that the computer lab is reserved for our class, or in other words, we never have to show up again. I've already removed it from my schedule spreadsheet. I had a sketchy lunch of chicken on a kaiser with wedge fries. The fries were very greasy, but they were oh-so-good. After that I killed some more time doing nothing, then went to CS. It was on my way back to King that I ended up on the picnic table. I was feeling a little moody. I've been very up and down since getting here. My cell phone rolls over to a new month on the eighth, and I still had twenty-five minutes left, so I thought about calling some people. I considered calling Chris--he sent me an email on the weekend--but when I thought about it some more I decided that I didn't really want to talk to him. I called Sean instead. He called me back a little later, and we talked for an hour and a half. His vacation time all seems to coincide with periods when I will have midterms or finals. I just made it to my evening class on time. It was good. All signs point to it being very interesting and not overly time-consuming. Perfect. Since then I've talked to both mom and dad on the phone and wasted time on ICQ. So, I have not done one minute of work today. Not good. Very bad. I may have to kick my own ass some other time. Now it's two a.m., I've got an eight thirty class. I can still manage six hours, I guess. That's not so bad. Goodnight, all. I hope you're getting more sleep than me. Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

[ Tuesday, May 7, 2002 | 12:35 a.m. ] All right, I've got a fair bit to say and not a lot of time to say it in. It's a requirement of my conditional release from calculus that I be in bed by midnight. Right, so as I said before, I'm back at school. School's school, I guess. My schedule seems pretty light on the actual class time, but there's plenty of work to fill in the off hours. As for the rest, here's my life, divided into neat and tidy little categories. Co-op: I still haven't heard from my ex-boss, so I'm going into match phase. I can withdraw up until the first day of interviews, on the off chance that he actually offers me my job back. I'm not sure how much hope I'm holding out these days. Calculus: I'm really screwed. I don't remember how to do anything. Concepts that seemed crystal-clear to me in high school are suddenly indecipherable. Last year I really cared. Last term I cared, but not about the content, just about my marks. I just got through the material instead of bothering to understand it, though I should have understood in anyway since it was all review from last year, and I understood it last year. Have I mentioned that I dislike calculus? Movies: I saw Spiderman yesterday. It was very good. Not amazing, but very good. I saw The Fifth Element on DVD a while back, but I really can't remember when. It must have been last weekend, maybe. Friday night I watched Blood: The Last Vampire. Not my idea, but it wasn't bad. A little low on plot, but the animation was fairly sweet. In particular, the CGI bits, mostly the backgrounds and some of the vehicles, were awesome. Romance: So I apparently have a... *cough* *sputter* boyfriend. I find that very weird. I can't really wrap my head around it. And yet, there it is. I spent much of the weekend with him. (I.e. Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon.) I think the idea of a "boyfriend" scares me a little. The idea of integrating him into too many areas of my life scares me. I keep waiting for him to wake up--come to his senses and realise that he's making this big mistake and what the hell was he ever doing with me in the first place? I also just, aw heck, I'll save this for another pseudo-self-pitying rant. Btw, back in the movies section, it would be perfectly accurate to insert a "with Sean" after each "I saw/watched ____". PHIL 215: The first lecture blew chunks. I'm waiting for the second one before I declare that I hate it. The prof's a weasel. (=> Metaphor! vs. The prof's like a weasel => Simile!) Well, 12:24, so much for self-discipline. As always, stay tuned, there are surely many wacky school adventures to come.

[ Thursday, May 2, 2002 | 01:14 a.m. ] Woah. 9:52 p.m. Power outage. There goes my ResNet connection. I now have two options: stay here in my room in the dark, or go outside to the lounge, where some of the lights are hooked up to emergency power. Maybe I'll just unplug this puppy, since neither the power nor network cables are doing much for me right now, and move out to the hall. Alright, I am now in the lounge. What a perfect opportunity to tell you all about my move. Obviously, I'm back in Waterloo. I ended up leaving around two p.m. yesterday. I'm living in a suite in Mackenzie King with, as I mentioned, three chemical engineers: Laura, Lisa & Debbie. [Nice! 10:08 and the power is back on.] Anyhow, they seem alright. I haven't really hung out with them much. My room's nice, if a little impersonal with the bare white walls. I... Look, I'll finish this later, 'k? It's after one now, and I'm sleepy. I wasted far, far too much time today.